At Last - The Beginners' Guide to Music that we've all been waiting for!

Recently I was able to re-establish contact with an old friend from (?) years ago with whom I played in a rock band. Our recent communications have mainly been reminiscences and family history. But yesterday he sent me a small list of explanations of various music genres. That set me thinking and quite quickly I sent him back a short list of explanations and descriptions of musical instruments and musical terms.
Then I got to thinking (that's usually very dangerous). What about all those poor people out there who listen to music - perhaps even like it - but don't understand a thing about its roots, or the instruments which are used?
I set myself the task of explaining to the world all about music. Well, not all - cos I don't know it all. But with all your help we could compile a very comprehensive encyclopaedia of music.
Read what my friend Pete and I have assembled so far and see if you can contribute to this fount of musical knowledge.
All you have to do is to click on the "Comment" button and make a suggestion for inclusion in this great work. All contributions will be considered by me but I reserve the right to include, edit or reject any suggestions.
Please - no downright filth - that's not the spirit of it. But humorous innuendo may be accepted.
Remember the real aim is to enlighten all those out there who want to learn!
I shall endeavour to acknowledge names or pseudonyms of all contributors by listing them here.
So -
Thanks for their contributions go to:
Pete (for inspiring the original idea and contributions)
Ros
Andi
Musicwoman
And I've just been surfing the net for ideas and come up with a site which already has some of the definitions listed in this blog. So acknowledgement must go to Gordon Bathgate, whose site is www.geocities.com/gordonbathgateexperience/gbits.html. He has some other really funny stuff and quotes which are well worthy of looking at and I'm sure he won't mind me giving him a plug.

Musical genres, instruments and terms explained

Ad Lib: To give reasons for an international conflict without mentioning weapons of mass destruction
Air: A place in Scotland
Allegro: The new fertiliser from Baby Bio's German subsidiary
Alto: Alan's pedal digit
Andante: Dante's wife

Ballet: Election procedure
Banjo: What Jo gets if she is too obnoxious in the pub
Bar: A place to imbibe alcohol
Bar line: Queue for a drink (see Round)
Bass: Something rather rude
Bass Clef: Bottom of a rock formation (see Clef)
Bass line: Something to do with tennis
Baton: Continue a game of cricket when play has previously been stopped
Be-bop: Swatting an insect
Big band: 20 blokes who take it in turns to stand up, plus a drummer
Blues: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning to find that their woman's done gone and left them
Blue Grass: Spilt paint on the lawn
Bossa Nova: New bloke in charge
Breve: What your lungs are for
Bridge: Device for crossing rivers, etc

Cadenza: My Cadillac is within
Canon (UK): A cleric
Canon (US): A big gun
Canon (rest of the world): A camera
Castanet: What a fishaman does to catachafish
Chamber music: Background music in the bathroom
Choir: A quantity of paper
Chorale: A place for keeping cattle
Chord: A piece of string (see Discord)
Chorus: Anglo-Dutch steel producer
Classical: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad
Clef: Geographical feature in a posh coastal resort
Coda: Encrypting a letta
Common Time: otherwise known as Anno Domini
Compound Time: Prison term
Concert Pitch: Busker's place of employment
Conga: A river in Africa
Conservatoire: Glazed structure at rear of house
Cornet: An ice cream
Counterpoint: Now more commonly known as a checkout
Crotchet: A form of knitting

Debussy: French public transport
Diatonic: Like Diat Coke but does you good
Digeridoo (Australian aboriginal): How to enquire what Jeremy did.
Diminuendo: Conclusion of an upper-class game of dominoes
Disco: Italian CD
Discord: This piece of string (see Chord)
Double Flat: A large apartment (see Flat)
Dominant: . . .? (see Sub-Dominant)

Edward Elgar: Real name was Eddie Large but the Registrar was dyslexic
Electric Guitar: Shocking nasal congestion
Encore: Middle of en apple
Enigma Variations: See Coda
Ensemble: To artificially inseminate a cow
Entrada: Go into a well-known college of drama
Espressivo: Coffee
Exposition: An arrestable offence

Falsetto: Dentures
Fanfare: Merchandise aimed at devotees
Fiddle: Corporate accounting
Flamenco: A large, pink wading bird
Flat: Stale beer (see Double Flat)
Folk: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century
Fret: To worry
Fusion: Nuclear reaction

Gong: Medal or other decoration for meritorious conduct
Grace Note: Famous actress in silent movies
Grunge: Evil-smelling muddy bog
Guitar: Nasal congestion
Guitar Fret: Worried you might have a cold

Half Note (US): A memo in shorthand (see Whole Note and Quarter Note)
Harmonica: Girl from Birmingham
Haydn: Trying not to be seen
Heavy Metal: Codpiece and chaps
Horn: Nuff said . . .
House Music: OK as long is it's not the house next door
Hymn: Not her

Incidental Music: Just happened to be playing this piano at the time
Inflection: Transmitted disease

Jazz: Five blokes on the same stage all playing a different tune

Larghetto: An enormous slum
Largo: Italian beer
Legato: Suspender exhibition
Lute: Proceeds of a robbery
Lyre: Someone who is economical with the truth

Manuscript: Footballer's auto-cue
March: A month in springtime
Marimba: Mr Rimba's mother
Major seventh: Now try to make the eighth
Measure (US): A shot of your favourite alcoholic beverage
Melody: Posh person's illness
Metronome: Small bearded person on the Paris underground railway

Middle C: Mediterranean
Minim Rest: Very short tea break
Minor: Underground worker
Moderato: Italian examination invigilator
Music: Something with similar properties to a mews
Music Stand: National Anthem

Note: Paper currency

Opera: People singing when they should be talking (see Rap)
Organ: Functioning part of the body
Organ Stop: See Rhythm

Pan Pipes: Plumbing works in the toilet
Perpetuum Mobile: Everlasting car
Piano: A shipping and ferry company
Pianoforte: Castle belonging to a shipping line
Piano Stool: A quiet dump
Pirouette: A small pirou
Polka: An implement for stirring embers in the fire
Polyphony: Parrots communicating
Prestissimo: Please push this button for a second
Presto: The finale of a Paul Daniels show

Quarter Note (US): A memo in journalese (see Whole Note and Half Note)
Quartet: Smaller than two pints
Quaver: A crisp

Rap: People talking when they should be singing (see Opera)
Recorder: Scottish magistrate
Rhythm: Not a reliable method
Rhythm and Blues: Sad about not having a reliable method
Rock Band: Diamond-encrusted ring
Round: What you join the Bar-Line to buy

Saxophone: Premium rate telephone chatline
Scale: Lime deposits in kettles
Semi-Breve: Sharp intake of breath
Semi-Quaver: Half scared
Sharp: Acid-tasting
Slur: Headline in a tabloid
Solo: Too low to hear
Solo (US): American foreign policy in the early 21st century
Sopranino: A mini-series about three-foot gangsters
Soprano: An Italian crook
Stave: A long pole
Steel Bands: Handcuffs
Stringendo: Answer to the question "How long is a piece of string?"
Sub-dominant: . . .? (see Dominant)
Suite: A confection

Tango: A fizzy drink
Tenor: Enough for a few pints in the local hostelry
Tom-Tom: Thomas with a speech impediment
Tom Tom: Electronic device which is always instructing you to turn into the wrong road
Tonic: Commonly mixed with gin
Transpose: Cross-dresser in front of a camera
Treble: To multiply by three
Treble Clef: A rock formation three times higher than a Clef
Trill: Budgie food
Triplet: One of three siblings of the same age
Trumpet: What to do if you can't follow suit in whist
Trombone: Part of the skeleton of a Trom
Tuba: Container for toothpaste
Tune: A cough sweet
Tuner: A fish
Tu-tus: Four

Vibraphone: A mobile that buzzes
Vibrato: Wobbly
Violin: A really awful pub

Waltz: Belonging to Walter
Whole Note (US): A memorandum (see also Half Note and Quarter Note)
Wind Section: Part of the weather forecast
World Music: A dozen different types of percussion all playing at once